Showmance

When I was working at the high school, inevitably, students who I had harmlessly paired as dance partners would be a couple by the end of the run.  I always joked that I didn't mind being a matchmaker as long as I didn't end up responsible for a baby.  Showmance had a way of sneaking in.

Showmance: "When actors engage in a romance for the run of a show. Once the run is over so is the romance. The term originated in the theater and moved to movies and scripted television and then reality television often occurring first between performers working opposite of each other in a love scene." - urban dictionary

I will fully admit that I have engaged in the world of the showmance throughout my career. I've had short relationships, I've had long relationships. I've fallen in love with men and women, both straight and gay...and what I've come to realize is that I can't help but have a showmance. 

Showmance has a tendency to carry quite a negative connotation, but I couldn't disagree more.  One of the things I love most about my job(s) is that I get to walk in, grab a cup of coffee and hug the next person who walks in behind me.  When it's time to work, we work, and when it's time to rest, there's almost always a built in family to decompress with.  Some days, sitting at the dressing table means laughs and giggles and notes left on your mirror.  Some days it means having a good cry and a little yoga, or a quick back rub and a moment of wisdom from those who sit beside you.  

Matt and Anna 2013

Working in the theatre means forming bold relationships very quickly.  Part of the craft is having access to your heart and a willingness to let it open for others to see.  I've been working on a teacher certification in the Michael Chekhov Acting Technique, and last summer at the end of my first intensive, my friend Matt and I were sharing a tearful goodbye and he said to me, "it doesn't take very long to fall in love with someone does it?" I could do nothing but agree.  Matt and I are not in love with each other in a romantic way, but I have great love for him.  Arriving at our second year of certification last week, I literally crawled through his car window to hug him as he rolled up to unpack.  This was moments after I had tackled my best friend Jen to the ground and stood up covered in grass stains.  Even after a year apart, my love was bold, strong, and wonderful for both of these Wonders.  It was if no time had passed at all.  I spent the whole week with people who had entered my heart last summer and some new friends to invite in.  I was talking to a new friend on Tuesday and had commented that I felt like we had been friends for years, when it had only been 1.5 days.  That's the crazy magical world that I live in.  

With this instant connection and enjoyment of close relationships, there is also the fact that contracts end in my life quite frequently.  It is a treat to have a contract that lasts longer that 6 weeks!  So with constant change of projects, there is a constant change of people and often a mourning period for those whom I've just left.  This is never easy.  I'm a crier.  Usually I cry.  But I've gotten better at saying, "See you later" rather than "goodbye" because it is astounding how often and quickly paths recross.  

Matt and Anna 2014

As I was flying home from Ohio yesterday, I received an email from my boss at a theatre I'm teaching at this summer, saying that my co-teacher for the week has passed away the night before.  A young guy.  A crazy physical ailment that took him away.  I had just worked with him the week prior, and now he's gone.  

I feel so fortunate to be able to meet so many incredible people in my life and on such a regular basis.  It takes courage to reach out and greet someone new, and it is a risk to share your heart in an authentic way, but I will never not love a showmance.  I will never not crave the depth of relationship that can be created in moments.  I will never apologize for loving someone who should be loved.  I don't have time in my life to run away from relationships based on the fear of getting hurt.  I love loving.  

Sending Love and Joy to all my loves that I have encountered through the years.  Until our paths cross again, know I carry you in my heart.  

Generosity for the Fiercely Independent

There was a time when I was a very stable adult.  I had a full time job and was freelancing an absurd amount in the theatre world.  Living relatively well for a single gal working in the arts. I had a super cute 400sqft apartment in Loring Park.  My car was paid off.  I didn't have credit card debt.  I was able to travel multiple times a year and be present for events with friends and family.  I was able to buy birthday and Christmas presents.  I could pay for someone's dinner or drinks here and there.  I made a couple substantial donations to scholarship funds to support young artists.  I was able to give, and relatively freely.  I felt a major sense of pride in the fact that I was supporting my life and able to be generous to others within my means - all while being a working artist.

This sounds really terrific, but it didn't happen until I was 26 years old... and only really lasted for about 12 months.

My early twenties were a tough road - as they should be - as I was trying to figure out how to be a working actor/educator.  I had tons of support.  I have moved almost 25 times since I was 18 which meant lots of short pit stops with friends and family between leases and tours.  I've grocery shopped out of people's refrigerators.  I've taken home leftovers from work pot lucks because co-workers knew my grocery budget was slim.  I carpooled to jobs and shows to be economical about gas.  A couple doctors would see me for free when I got sick, and almost 85% of my knee surgery was paid for thanks to a generous medical clinic.  I could go on and on.  I have been a recipient of amazing generosity in my life.  When I finally hit a point where I was 'stable' it felt so wonderful to be able to give back.  To be generous to others in ways that I wasn't able to earlier in my career.

And then I went to graduate school.

The transition back to being a student was a hard one - which is actually quite an understatement.  After being able to sustain my life with 'fierce independence' as my dad calls it, to all of a sudden being unemployed, across the country from everyone I love, and having to do everything others told me to do whether I wanted to or not, was super disheartening.  After all the work I had put in to build my life, all of a sudden it was gone.  I was starting over...and somehow unexpectedly.

And yet, I was still the recipient of generosity.  My program was paid for thanks to being granted a teaching assistantship:  I taught undergraduate courses in exchange for tuition payment and a small stipend while working on my own courses.  That said, it still takes money to live... as it turns out.  :)

So again, I am the recipient of generosity.  Friends and family have flown me across the country for holidays and vacations.  Mom and Dad have made sure that I've been able to make ends meet on lean months after unexpected issues.  My family has been able to come see me in the last year versus me having to go home when I didn't have time.  They have filled my fridge and my gas tank when they've left.  Orlando Shakespeare Theatre has provided meals and events for me and other grads at no cost to us.  Visiting artists have shared their knowledge and experience to help further propel my career.  I have friends, near and far, who generously listen when I've had a bad day or a silly joke.

And today, I have a little brother, (by 'little' I mean he's 24, married, a computer programming designer, and 5'' taller than me) who sent me a gift to start my 'Disney Annual Pass Fund'. We were talking last week about how I couldn't really travel for the next year, which I was bummed about,  and that it would be fun to at least have something fun and silly to be able to run off to on a day off.  All of a sudden, the little brother looking out for the big sister...  In a way that he absolutely doesn't have to, but did because he wanted to and because he can.

I sit in tears and in awe of how generous people are and how blessed and full my life is because of them.  I also reflect on the idea that I may not be able to be financially generous to people right now, but that doesn't mean I can't be generous in time, in listening, in words of encouragement, and in joy.  My life wouldn't work the way it does without others...as I suppose a lot of people encounter.  I know that I'm a hard worker and that I am prideful about being able to take care of myself, but today I am reminded of the generosity of others, and that I truly wouldn't be able to have the life I do without them.

So here's to being intentional about being generous.  That generosity doesn't necessarily mean financial, but that it means sharing with another.  I send you joy today.  I'm grateful and thankful for you.

"Get it, you deserve it."

Ok, a couple roundabout thoughts leading to one....bear with me.  (Also, did you know that's how to spell bear - as in 'to carry with'?  Spelling blows my mind sometimes.

Part 1: I've been teaching youth theatre/dance classes for about 10 years now.  I always joke that I don't teach anyone under the age of 10 because I don't understand how to communicate with them.  That I don't understand why I have to give you a sticker just because you stood where I told you to.  That's not earning anything.  That's called following direction.

Part 2:  I knew I would have a few months of unemployment at the end of the school year before I would jump into 7 weeks of teaching.  Apparently graduate students get out of school 2 months before public k-12's do....and I can't teach without students....so SURVIVAL JOB it is.  I decided to venture into the world of retail as there was a store within 10 minutes of my house and I didn't want to deal with an unpredictable server schedule.  In any case, I was working check-out at 'the store' and there was a college student buying a very expensive, fancy pants, purse.  It's not a brand I think is super attractive, but alas, it seemed very important to her to have this bag.  As she sat in debate about buying this bag, her friend chimed in with, "Get it.  You deserve it."  (Sidenote: said friend had a coordinating, very expensive, fancy pants purse.)  "Get it.  You deserve it."  The customer in conflict quickly agreed and swiped what appeared to be a parental credit card and started devising a plan with how to explain the purchase.

There was something about this transaction that made me think... Did she earn this bag? Had she done something of worth in some way?  Or was this like a kindergarten dance class where she got a sticker for standing still?

Then I thought...did I have this same conversation with myself last week?  Duh, Duh, Duuuunnnnn...

Part 3: I have had my eye on a particular bag (not nearly as fancy pants as the purchase tonight, but still fancy enough for the budget I'm on) for about a month, as I cleaned and organized around it at the store.  I knew there was an extra incentive coming up for 20% off purchases for employees and I made the deal with myself that if I hit the fitness goal that I had been working towards for the last few months by 5/30, that I could purchase the bag since I had the saved cash to do so.  Well, it so happened that I hit my goal (YAY)  and was excited about the reward of my new bag.  "I had earned it."  But thinking back on it after tonight's conversation with these two young ladies...Did I really earn it?  Or had I talked my way into it?  I still feel like I did accomplish a goal which tells me that I did work for it more than simply being alive, but I'm so stumped by the way, as consumers, that we can talk ourselves into a purchase. Why is it that we can't simply admit, "I WANT this and I'm going to make this purchase?"  I wanted the bag.  The customer wanted the bag.  But did we really DESERVE it or are we adults who still need a sticker every once in a while?

I'm wondering if anyone else has an answer to my quandary.  Let me know.

Also, I still really like my bag.  :)

A beginning of sorts

Oh dear.  I know what you're thinking.  Another blog.  Another person who should just keep a journal instead of publishing online.  Well, I do keep a journal...and this is a different endeavor for me.  :)

Over the last couple years I have found that I really enjoy reading and watching my friend's blogs and  vlogs.  They allow insight into a human that I know but now have the opportunity to know more intimately and yet from far away.  I have been tentative to start one because I wondered if I really had anything to talk about.  I'm not married.  I don't have children of my own.  I don't have anything particularly unique about my health to share or a major life event at the moment.  My life doesn't feel to me like most that I encounter.  And I guess that's the beauty of it.   My story is unique because it tends to be very mobile.  And simply because my life doesn't look like other's I admire, doesn't make it any less valid or that it couldn't be supportive in someway to someone else.

I guess the purpose of this writing adventure...at least for right now, is to help validate some 'normalcy' to others who might find their life "at the end of a kite string".  That we may be rooted somewhere, but our wind feels like it's blowing in a new direction at the moment. What's exciting is that living at the end of kite string can mean something different to anyone, and this is simply part of my path in the air.

I find that right now, I need some goal setting, some accountability, some feeling of community as I navigate my last year of the 'grad school bubble'.  And even if no one reads it...to know I've flown my kite publicly, with courage, with mistakes, and with victory....is a victory.  You are welcome to tether along with.   I expect joy on my flight.